At 57 you would think that my life would be pretty much cut and dry, facing retirement and old age with the full knowledge of where I'm going and where I've been but that couldn't be further from the truth. I always thought my daily struggles interacting with social situations, mood fluctuations and varied abilities with concentration was me (well I suppose it was me), that it was something I should've been able to control, but being from an era before there was any name put to a behaviour issues I just lived with it and so I meandered along not really getting that sense of fulfilment when achieving a perceived goal because I always seemed to have moved onto wanting/needing something else.

I was lucky in one sense that I never walked the road that led to drink, drugs and rebellion as so many have. As an infant I had trouble staying seated in the class, although bright completing my lesson work quickly and correctly but once done I would get up and walk out the class taking myself off to the library so I could read, this led me to being assessed for learning difficulties by child psychologists, their report stated that I was an over achiever rather than learning impaired and that a school geared to my learning needs would be my best option, but even at 10/11 I understood my parents would struggle financially to give me a private education so I declined (maybe the wrong choice with hindsight but at the time for me it was the right choice)

During my youth I was troubled with a form of agoraphobia after changing schools at 12 it left me needing support getting to and from school which at the time was an all girls secondary, now Lyng Hall in Coventry is a mixed comprehensive, once at school I kept myself to myself not interacting with other students and staying in a classroom reading during breaks and not really taking part in classroom projects needing to work by myself than be with someone else, the down side of this was verbal jibes what is considered as bullying now but in the early 80's it was an accepted part of senior school life so again I just let it pass me by.

My friends consisted of maybe 3 people but in reality I had a single friend that I felt truly comfortable with, Ruth had her own disability being hearing impaired but she never let it control her life, but like me she preferred being solitary during breaks preferring to read and it was through that preference that our friendship was formed. It is only now looking back that I can see it as being not necessarily normal but at that time it was normal to me and I saw nothing wrong with it. What this journey is showing me is that Mental health issues are unique to each person and how those issues present themselves is equally as unique.

At the time I did not consider the jibes/bullying as effecting me but again with hindsight I can see how I changed my learning ability, I stopped taking notice in class remaining silent and this then morphed into zoning out so I did not highlight just how different I was, this then effected my exam results. The zoning out was me developing a disinterest where I emotionally and physically closed down only taking any interest when something stimulated me to engage and that has continued into adulthood.

After leaving school I took and interest in gardening I was actually interested in genetics but gardening was as close as I could get as I had no interest in gaining higher grades in the sciences as I could not partake in vivisection or anything that required mutilating a living creature. so Tile Hill college in Coventry it was studying ornamental horticulture (gardening). The strange knack I developed there was the ability to sleep in class but be fully aware of what was being said so when I was required to do some work I was instantly awake with full recall on the lessons content, it did not happen everyday and there was nothing I could do to stop it my mind just shut down. I did not think it was unusual behaviour it was normal for me, 2 years and 2 certificates later I went of to Rodbaston Agricultural college to study a residential horticultural course, there I again isolated myself concentrating on getting the certificate grade I wanted, not spending time partying and socialising so again gained the name for being the weird person, in my spare time I would enjoy helping around the farm, feeding the calves and cleaning out the animal pens, the routine calmed me, I didn't need to prove myself to anyone or anything, the animals did not judge me and I wasn't restricted by the time constraints that the agricultural students were. College course complete, grade achieved off I went into the real world a round peg in a square hole.

I never realised my behaviour was unusual, I just thought that is who I am, someone who did not show emotion and the older I got the less emotion I showed that also includes how I interacted with my children, my son was diagnosed at about 6yrs old with ADHD/Autistic spectrum but his personality made him very volatile and this trait continues to this day, although on medication he still found it difficult in main stream school even though I asked for him to be considered for special education the school assured the child mental health unit that they could meet his educational needs but the reality was very different, in the end they would rather he not be there than actually wanting him to attend. He knew then the difference between right and wrong but chose what I consider the wrong route, the road that has led him to be in and out of prison but never accepting that it's his behaviour that is at fault and not always someone else to blame, This final accumulated in neither his sister or I having or wanting a personal relationship with him and as a mother that is very hard to admit but there is only so much abuse a person can take either physical or emotional before it becomes them or me. My need for inner peace, external calm and a predictability to my day overriding any caring instinct I had.

It was the breakdown of my marriage and my sons behaviour that pushed me to the edge of my sanity and I went to the doctors seeking help with the sick, dark feeling that surrounded me, the sense of failure as a wife, mother and human being. I disliked the person I had become over the years but it was not even a change that I could say I saw coming. I can't put the fault totally on my ex hubby I have to accept some responsibility by not standing up for my self, what person accepts watching their new husband i.e less than a year married kissing a work colleague then allowing that said husband to walk to you and your baby in a pram without uttering a word and what wife will walk down a street and instinctively know what woman will be of interest to him and do nothing at his roving arder.

He had this innate ability to get me so wound up within myself that any argument led to me emotionally destroying myself, a few years after we divorced he said to me that he got a macabre pleasure watching me as he put it press the self destruct button which left me a simpering mess. All the signs were there but I had no idea what they were, I just thought it was me I was the odd one, I was the one that was unreasonable, I was the one in the wrong and the one that was a total failure, it is only recently that I discovered it was not ME alone but an in balance that made me see the world differently while skewing my cognitive reasoning and now looking back I can understand just how easy I was to exploit, getting me to fight myself in a battle that was lose lose.

Moving forward 20 years anti depressants ease the extreme mood swings, they still happen but I'm in a better position to handle them, to take myself away from situations that can stimulate me and on many occasions I am able to warn my present husband that I am on my way down (not that I have any intentions of trading him in), getting a confirmed diagnosis for ADHD is not going to be easy because I now live in a country where the acceptance of mental health issues has yet to become main stream. Bulgaria is a country that in the grand scheme of things has only been free from Russian occupation for 30 years where seeing a horse and cart is still a daily experience and the course of change is slow, where those in power have known little but communism, corruption and the attitude of some are more equal than others. Don't get me wrong modernisation will come whether it is politically, environmentally or with the understanding of changing mental health and medical treatments, however at the moment there is little help with such issues and it's unlikely to change anytime soon, the best my doctor can do is keep prescribing me anti depressants, it is only with watching tv program's, you tube and reading articles that I have understood my quirks seem to have a recognisable pattern and they are not unique to me, that has been a revelation that I am not MAD.

What you have read is most likely to be a scrambled collection of my history and much has probably been omitted but you should get a general sense of me and how I have reached where I am now, thank you for taking the time to read it I hope that it gives clarification to the struggles that someone you know is going through or it lets you know that you are not alone.